Mother Mercies

Growing up, I was not one of those girls that always wanted to be a mom. I mean, I always assumed that I would grow up, get married, and have children, but it wasn't something that I actively thought about or planned for. (Honestly, I'm not sure exactly what I was planning for. Maybe that part of my personality didn't develop until later...)

I didn't really enjoy playing house, I didn't like playing with dolls all that much, and I definitely didn't like taking care of any children I wasn't related to.

So fast forward about 15 years and here I am with 3 kids of my own. I would not put myself in the "great mom" category. Don't get me wrong. I take care of my kids. I feed them. I clothe them. I play with them. I love them. But I always feel like I'm missing out on the Deep Meaning of it all. Like somehow I'm just skimming the surface of being a mother and what all that means.

Some of it probably has to do with the fact that I work. I don't want to, I have to. I have missed out on a lot of the "mom" things because of it. I don't have as many opportunities to bond with my children with the short amount of time we have together.

Some of it definitely has to do with how much alone-in-my-head time I tend to take. (I'm working on that...)

I'm not exactly sure what the rest of it is...but it probably has something to do with the amount of sleep that I (don't) get and the fact that I'm pretty selfish. (Ouch. But it's true.)

Every once in a while I get a glimpse of what I imagine other mothers feel about their children all the time. I had a taste of those true Mother feelings last night. And it was so simple, but so very sweet.

After I put the girls to bed, I went downstairs with the baby to finish getting him fed and changed so I could put him to bed as well. When we finished that, I played with him for a few minutes and then scooped him up in my arms to take him upstairs to bed. As I walked up the stairs with his warm little body snuggled up to me, I had an overwhelming feeling of love for this sweet baby boy and his big sisters. I just could. not. bear. to put him down. I felt like I wanted hold and snuggle with him forever. I sat with him in the rocker by his bed and just tried to savor every tiny detail about how it felt.

As we rocked, this article called "Surviving on the Mercies of Motherhood" came to mind. You really should read the whole thing, but I'll quote the gist of it:

So here's my theory: Heavenly Father knew how challenging motherhood would
be for each of us—physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. So He sends us
“mother mercies.” You know the moments—the ones that sneak up on you and make you smile or laugh—or teary-eyed. It’s like the time I caught a whiff of my five-year-old and realized he’d put on his daddy’s deodorant that morning. Or when he used to pray nightly, “Please bless that morning will come in five minutes.” It’s the time I found a bar of soap in my bathroom with one (and only one) set of teeth marks in it. Or when my preschooler asked me, “Why did Jesus cover our bones with skin?”

Perhaps these little mercies are like the pauses between our contractions of
motherhood—the moments that make us say, “Oh yeah. I really love this mothering
stuff.”

Think about it—what an interesting phenomenon—in our very hardest moments of mothering, Heavenly Father sends us these little flashes of reprieve to help us keep going with a smile. True, we have diapers and back-talking and tantrums and spills, but we also get kisses and first steps and stick-figure drawings and hand-pulled bouquets.

Look for the Mother Mercies in your own life. I promise they will pop up everywhere—when your toddler trips the alarm at the library (like mine did) or when he pours pop down the bowling alley lane (yes, mine) or when you find your envious child stripped down to his nothings at the park, staring longingly through the fence into the city pool (Whose kid is that? Oh, it’s mine). The Mother Mercies are always there. Don’t miss them!

One Sunday while I was juggling my three little ones, an older sister in my ward leaned over and said, “This will all end someday, believe me.” To which I
replied, “Oh don’t tell me that! I’m having so much fun.” Who knew that doing
something so hard could bring me so much happiness? And just like the finale of
childbirth, I’m hopeful that this mothering thing—this exhausting labor of
love—will someday bring us joy we could never comprehend was possible.

This is what I had last night. One of those tender moments that makes you realize what the whole thing is about. A very sweet Mother Mercy that let me see how much I really do love these amazing children and how very very blessed I am to have them.

I do LOVE being a mom and I think I'm finally starting to understand what that means...