Broken Heart

Dad went to a new doctor today. They've been worried about some new symptoms that have shown up lately. That and his hip is getting worse.

So the appointment was at 4:30. At 6:30 I still hadn't heard from them and I needed to ask mom a question about how Liam had done that day so I could report to his doctor. Once I got her on the phone, the majority of the short conversation after asking about Liam went like this:

me: "You're still at the doctor?"
mom: "Yes, we're waiting for some more tests. We'll probably only have about a year."
me: "What?!?"
mom: "They think it might be the cancer or congestive heart failure. We're not sure yet. We'll let you know what we find out."
me: "..."
mom: "I need to go."
me: "Call me as soon as you get done."
mom: "Okay, bye."

I hung up and immediately started crying. How do you deal with this? How are you supposed to handle the news that your father is dying and might only have a year left with you here in this mortal existence? My beliefs about the afterlife aside, it still hurts. It's still scary. And I would still give anything to keep him here with us. He won't be here for all the things I wanted and needed him for. He might not even see Liam's first birthday. It breaks my heart for so many reasons. I want him here. He's one of my best friends. He has always been the one that understood me and the one I could talk to about anything. I want to be selfish and just keep him here with us forever.

I ache for my mom. I know it kills her everyday to see him suffering with pain or to just worry about how he's doing and what is really going on inside his body. They have been a team for over 50 years. How do you deal with the prospect that your companion isn't going to be here much longer? I cannot fathom what she must be going through...or what dad must be going through knowing that he has to leave her. Yet both of them continue to put on a brave face and act like this is just another hurdle to get over and they will be able to handle it like any other trial. Dad was almost chipper when I talked to him later this evening and mom was very calm about everything as she explained it to me.

How was I blessed with such amazing parents? They continue to astound me and make me wish that I had been better at listening to their immense wisdom all along the way. I am in awe of both of them. They are the most selfless and charitable people that I know. Always concerned about other people and always doing the right thing.

So... Now we're back to the waiting game. Waiting on test results. Waiting to talk to another doctor. Waiting to see how much longer we have together here.

I hate waiting.