Just when you think it's safe to break out your sandals...

We had a HUGE Snow storm this morning. HUGE. We're talking a harrowing, white knuckle, going 25 miles per hour on the freeway all the way to work because the snow plows apparently don't come out before 5am, kind of adventure. And that, my friends, is NOT my idea of fun.

Please Utah...it's SPRING. Let's have SPRING weather. Because this is one girl that is very tired of driving in the snow.

Because, let's be honest Utah, your drivers here...they kind of suck.

p.s. To the guy in the big lifted 4 wheel drive truck that passed me at 70 miles per hour with 4 inches of slush on the road...Was that you I saw 15 minutes later slid off the side of the freeway with your bumper 20 feet behind you?

Quote of the Day

We can have eternal life if we want it, but only if there is nothing else we want more."

~~Bruce C. Hafen (Ensign, May 2004)

McKenna - Month 53

(I'm borrowing this from another blog because I think it's a good idea. Don't sue me please...)


Dear Miss McKenna,

My sweet, smart, beautiful, little girl. I can't believe how fast you are growing up. You surprise me almost every day with the things you pick up on and the questions you have. You have such an amazing imagination and are so good at entertaining yourself, your sister and everyone around you with the things you come up with. I am continually in awe of the mental capacity that you have demonstrated so early in your life. I think you're one of the most observant kids I've ever met.

Thank you, thank you for being such a big help to your mom. You are always so willing to help me when I ask and it has made it so much easier to have a new baby in the house with your help. You are always so excited to do something to help me and it melts my heart that you are so eager to please. You have such a sweet personality; always willing to take care of me and daddy and your brother and sister. You are a very nurturing soul, so in tune with other's needs. I am very grateful for all that you do to watch out for your siblings. You have taken to the role of oldest child very well.

I hope that we don't put too much pressure on you because of your capability. As much as I am grateful for all your help, I hope that you will slow down a little and take advantage of your childhood. We are working hard to make it as happy and carefree as we can. You take things so seriously, and are so concerned about getting things just right. I worry, my Sweetsweet, that you are growing up too fast and taking too much of the world's worries on your little shoulders. Take your own advice, stay a kid forever so you can always play with your toys...

I worry too that we are not there for you enough, not teaching you all we should or being as available as we need to be for your active mind. Please have patience with us Bee. Know that your parents love you desperately and want the best of everything for you. But as much as we want that, life oftentimes gets busy and sometimes we forget to stop and pay attention. Please, forgive our shortcomings and know that no matter what, what we care about most in the world is our family and making sure it is a happy and safe place for you and your siblings.

I am grateful for your patience with me, for the joy and laughter that you bring into our home, for your sweet and kind personality, and most of all, that you are MY little girl.

AARP?

I didn't have an age complex. Really. Being 30 didn't bother me until now.

I keep getting mail from the AARP telling me that their records show I'm eligible for their program. Doesn't AARP stand for American Association of Retired Persons? Don't you have to be at least 50 to join?

WHAT?

Either they have changed their program or they know something about my age that I don't.

Maybe I can get a good deal on insurance?

Wednesday

Alyssa and Kenna were arguing in the back seat of the car on the way home from Grandma T.'s this afternoon. To paraphrase how it went:

A: "I wanna go to Christmas."
M: "Go to Christmas?"
A: "Yeah. I wanna go to Christmas."
M: "You can't go to Christmas."
A: "Why, Sisa?" (her way of saying sister)
M (with her eyes rolling and the exasperated hand movements): "Because Christmas is a DAY. Not a place."
A (like the lightbulb finally came on): "OOOOOH, it's a WEDnesday."

I'm not even sure what that means, or why, but it struck me as REALLY funny this afternoon.

Maybe that's because I had just gotten done going to the hospital with Mom and Dad and some siblings for Dad's biopsy (only to discover that we weren't actually DOING the biopsy today, we were just MEETING the doctor that would do it on Friday) and I really needed something to be funny.

Don't get me wrong, it was a good time hanging out with the FAM and all, but I like hanging out under more pleasant circumstances. Sometimes I feel like all this with dad being sick is just a bad dream and I'll wake up and everything will be right again. Sometimes I can let myself forget about it and it feels like life is just normal. But you never know when you will have good days and when you will have bad ones. Today was one of those days that the weight of it all just came crashing down on me again.

Today's worry was that I already miss that my dad won't be there for all the big events in my kids lives. I know it's really stupid to worry about things that haven't happened yet (or in this case haven't NOT happened yet...) but family has always been such a big deal to me. I want them to be able to have him there. I want them to KNOW him. To know how fabulous and amazing he is. To know his great sense of humor and positive attitude about everything. To hear all his funny growing up stories. I want them to REMEMBER. Remember how much fun they have with him. And then I feel this desperate need to write everything down, commit everything to memory, or carry my video camera with me everywhere just so they will have a record of it all - so they can know and remember all the great things about him that I know and remember.

It kind of makes me think that this is how the prophets might feel in trying to teach us about Heavenly Father (not that I am worthy in ANY way to parallel my life to a prophet's...) They wanted so badly to convey everything about our Father, so we too can KNOW and REMEMBER.

It reminded me of a scripture in John 17:25-26:

"O righteous Father, the world hath not known thee: but I have known thee...
"And I have declared unto them thy name, and will declare it: that the love wherewith thou hast loved me may be in them..."

I hope I can do this for my children.

Happy Easter!

Well, after a somewhat frazzled week trying to get Liam's blessing arranged for today, everything worked out fine. We were able to have almost everyone there (minus one family that had a child throw up in the car on their way to our house, one that couldn't get to Utah from Idaho on such short notice, and one dedicated YW President that was the only one attending meetings for her group on Easter Sunday).

(run on sentences are fun, aren't they?)

Anyway, the Easter Bunny portion of Easter was mostly non-existent this year because of all the hub-bub with the Blessing (I didn't even take pictures...gasp!). I even forgot to get pictures of the girls in their new dresses (which I could have done anytime during the day since they refused to take them off). But I did manage to get some of the Blessing and those that participated. (Why do I like parenthesis so much?)

My Amazing Neighbor

Alternate Title #1: How I Drove the First Counselor in Our Ward Insane
Alternate Title #2: Why My Next Door Neighbor Hates Me
Alternate Title #3: Tips on How to Loose a Ward in 3 Days

I'm completely and totally positive that my next door neighbor must hate me right now. Why you ask? Let me explain how it all started...(warning: long winded post ahead)

Tuesday Night:
I have a sudden realization that if Dad has to go in for chemo next week, there's a good chance he won't be able to attend Liam's blessing on the 13th. Enter Panic Mode.

Call Mom, ask if she thinks I should try to get the blessing switched to this weekend since family will be in town anyway. She is patient. Reassures me that it might not be necessary but tells me to do it if I think that will be the best thing. (Fabulous, isn't she?)

Still in Panic Mode. Call Bishop's house and leave a message. It's YM/YW night, he's probably at the Church right? Feel a little bit better. Wait for him to call back. Give up and go to sleep.

Wednesday:
Wonder all day why I haven't yet heard from the Bishop. Decide to call when I get home from work.

Call his house around dinner time. Guess what? He's out of town. Enter Panic Mode again. Call next door neighbor who is the first counselor. He's not home. He's helping his son with his Eagle Project at the hospital. (What a nice guy!) Ask his wife to have him call me when he gets home. She says she's a flake (???) and might forget so call back at 9 if he hasn't called by then.

Carry my cell phone everywhere I go around the house until he finally calls at about 9:15. I explain the situation to him...he says he has to call the Bishop to check if it's okay. He'll try in the morning and call me back. I ask him to please call as soon as he finds out. I'm sure I'm sounding desperate at this point.

Thursday:
Repeat of the carrying cell phone thing. No call. Get home, putter around the house. Do laundry. Feed children. Talk to mother-in-law to warn her what might be coming. During this phone call, have an epiphany. It's Easter weekend...that means Easter Jeep Safari. That means the male portion of this side of the family is all out of town. Say a few choice words (in my head only people!). Also feel a huge surge of guilt as I realize that mother-in-law has a huge paper due tomorrow and she still wants to make the boy's blessing outfit. She says she will call and see when the guys are planning on coming home. Feel more guilt that they might have to leave their trip early.

Call mom. Feel even more guilt. She just wants to know by Saturday night so they can run to the grocery store to get food to help me out with the family gathering afterwards. Wonder how I have such a cool family...I certainly don't belong here.

Around 6:30 I finally decide to call the neighbor. He hasn't been able to contact the Bishop. I explain that I have family in other states that need to know this information so as soon as he finds out if he could please call. He says he'll call the Stake President. (This is when he starts hating me...)

He calls me back a little while later. The Stake President says it's fine. We'll just treat it like a normal Fast Sunday and do the blessing after the Sacrament. What?! Wait, he didn't understand me. I (thought I) said that we needed to do a little private shindig for this. He hates me more, but is still nice. Oh, let me call and see what I can find out about THAT. (I'm sure he says this while making a mental note to start looking for another house so he can get away from me...)

Talk to MIL. The guys have to check out of their hotel at 10. They can be home by Sunday afternoon. Yay. I'm not shortening their trip after all. Sigh of relief. A little less guilt. She says she's almost done with the paper and it shouldn't be a big deal to sew the outfit. MIL suggests to start around 4 on Sunday. Not what my family was originally thinking, but could work. I have to call and see when my brother is going home.

Call mom. She asks brother, they're not going home til around 5:30 Sunday night. Yay! We found a time when everyone can be there.

Call Matt to tell him the good news. I tell him. Silence. OH CRAP. He has to work. THE HUSBAND CAN'T BE THERE AT THAT TIME IDIOT. Yeah. Feel this big. He says he'll see what he can work out. Guilt that went away? BACK NOW. BIG TIME.

Counselor calls back. Stake President says that's okay. He now has to call the Second Counselor who is also out of town to find out if he can "officiate" at the thing since he is SICK. More guilt. This poor man! I apologize profusely, thank him a million times and he says he'll call me back when he finds out.

(Hang in there...almost done)

He calls back again. Second counselor thinks he can be there but has to check with his wife (yeah, that's right, I'm taking him away from his family on Easter Sunday. Go me.)

He calls back again. Second Counselor's Wife is a saint. He can make it. 4:00 on Sunday, my house (PANIC....house needs to be cleaned....when am I going to fit that in!). Great! Thank you! I owe you something big!

We have it all worked out now.

If only Matt can make it.

Is it okay to lie when teaching your child about honesty?

Seriously, is it?

When Matt dropped off the girls today, he mentioned that Kenna had been played the XBox this morning and that she'd probably want to play some more, but that she told him not to tell me.

I got in the car with the kids and Kenna immediately asks if she can play "Lego Blocks" when we get home because she hasn't gotten to play today. I told her that I knew she had played already, but it was still okay if she wanted to play a little longer (she isn't feeling well...). I start telling her about how she needs to be honest and that it makes me sad when she doesn't tell the truth.

Then she asks, "How did you know I played this morning, Mommy."

long pause while I'm considering this: Do I tell her Daddy told me you did and have her not trust her dad...or do I lie to her while I'm trying to teach her not to do that very thing.

PARENTING DILEMMA

I opted for the lie. I know, I'm horrible. See this post.

The most plausible thing I could come up with on short notice? "Mommy just knows, sweetheart." (Yeah, I'm good like that...)

And to make sure I felt guilty she added, "Is that because mommies and daddies are just smart and know things like that?"

Today OR How I saw a woman's backside, met a bearded lady, and had a conversation with myself...

All of this in one day even!

I finally decided to get my eyes checked (who knew you were supposed to go more than once every 6 years?) so I made an appointment with a new optometrist. Turns out I couldn't remember who the last one I went to was after waiting that long. Go figure.

In this particular office, they share space with a regular medical clinic and a pharmacy. So as I'm sitting there waiting for my appointment (and waiting...and waiting...apparently their computers went down and caused a 30 minute delay in appointments) a young mother comes in with her 2 small children and grandmother in tow. She is there to help her grandmother get to a doctor's appointment. She is standing talking with the receptionist when I noticed her pants were...how shall we say...sliding slowly southward. Shall we also say, I saw more of her than I would have liked to see?

Of course you can feel that things are getting a little...chilly. So what does she do? Pulls up her pants you say? NOT SO! Pulls DOWN her shirt.

Huh?

So I'm sitting there shaking my head at the slight oddity of it, when another woman walks in and strides confidently up to the pharmacy counter. She turns in her prescription, turns around to walk out and I was able to see her face. SURPRISE. She had a full beard. No. Lie. A beard as full as Matt's. And it looked like she had been letting it grow for about a week. Now, I'm not making fun, it was just, you know, kind of surprising.

So I go home from my appointment thinking, "What a strange set of encounters over there at my new doctor's office."

End of weird day? Not really.

The Relief Society President came over to bring the baby something from the presidency. She is a very sweet lady, and very kind to bring Liam a gift. But she doesn't talk. Like, at all. She sweetly sat there on the couch, looking at me and the baby in my arms and didn't say a word. So pretty much that made me feel uncomfortable and I felt the need to talk just to fill up the silence. I ended up having a relatively nice conversation with myself all about the baby and how he's doing.

So yeah. Fun day. Always nice when you can be reminded that we all have our quirks. Except me. I don't have any quirks. Right, honey?

Right?

My Life

Life with three kids...

'Nuff said.

Confessions of a Working Mom

Look HERE

Yeah, that...I've done some of that.

Shh...don't tell.

Broken Heart

Dad went to a new doctor today. They've been worried about some new symptoms that have shown up lately. That and his hip is getting worse.

So the appointment was at 4:30. At 6:30 I still hadn't heard from them and I needed to ask mom a question about how Liam had done that day so I could report to his doctor. Once I got her on the phone, the majority of the short conversation after asking about Liam went like this:

me: "You're still at the doctor?"
mom: "Yes, we're waiting for some more tests. We'll probably only have about a year."
me: "What?!?"
mom: "They think it might be the cancer or congestive heart failure. We're not sure yet. We'll let you know what we find out."
me: "..."
mom: "I need to go."
me: "Call me as soon as you get done."
mom: "Okay, bye."

I hung up and immediately started crying. How do you deal with this? How are you supposed to handle the news that your father is dying and might only have a year left with you here in this mortal existence? My beliefs about the afterlife aside, it still hurts. It's still scary. And I would still give anything to keep him here with us. He won't be here for all the things I wanted and needed him for. He might not even see Liam's first birthday. It breaks my heart for so many reasons. I want him here. He's one of my best friends. He has always been the one that understood me and the one I could talk to about anything. I want to be selfish and just keep him here with us forever.

I ache for my mom. I know it kills her everyday to see him suffering with pain or to just worry about how he's doing and what is really going on inside his body. They have been a team for over 50 years. How do you deal with the prospect that your companion isn't going to be here much longer? I cannot fathom what she must be going through...or what dad must be going through knowing that he has to leave her. Yet both of them continue to put on a brave face and act like this is just another hurdle to get over and they will be able to handle it like any other trial. Dad was almost chipper when I talked to him later this evening and mom was very calm about everything as she explained it to me.

How was I blessed with such amazing parents? They continue to astound me and make me wish that I had been better at listening to their immense wisdom all along the way. I am in awe of both of them. They are the most selfless and charitable people that I know. Always concerned about other people and always doing the right thing.

So... Now we're back to the waiting game. Waiting on test results. Waiting to talk to another doctor. Waiting to see how much longer we have together here.

I hate waiting.

Back to Work

I went back to work today.

I'm grateful for my job.
I'm grateful for the ability to work.
I'm grateful that I can help provide for my family.

But I'd much rather be home with the kids and Matt.

Even though the girls sometimes drive me nuts.
Even though I never get sick or vacation days.
Even though the work never ends.

I miss my family.